You know, I’ve found over the years how I hate being interrupted when I’m reading. It’s really a disturbing experience to have. I don’t know why it makes me so automatically angry though.

One example of someone who didn’t get this, I used to live in a house (in college) and after my roommate moved out (got married and went to live with him) I had the master bedroom to myself. I was settled down for some fun reading when my roommate came in to talk to me. I put my book down.
‘what cha doin?’
“reading. It’s just an old book. What’s up?”
‘nothing.’ She stands in my doorway fingering the frame. Um… I’d like to read now… Can you….go away?

This morning I was reading the company report about the latest updates to the main software we use (CAPSX). I saw a new feature that would affect our everyday life so I called out to Howard to let him know. It’s stupid because he gets the same reports I do, he just doesn’t read them. He was so excited to learn something new he walks into my office and sits on my desk so he can look over my shoulder to read the updates- I now have to spend the next twenty minutes reading an explaining them. I’m already bothered that my extending what knowledge I’ve gained was somehow and invitation to invade my time and privacy first thing in the morning (I was also reading my emails and other things which I had to hide), then I’m bugged because he could do this on his own if he had any patience. But the number one thing that I think bugs me, is no matter how many times I talk to him, teach him, show him exactly how the system works, he can’t learn. He won’t remember, and in the next 10 minutes I know I’ll hear what I did- that whiney new york accent asking me how to put his campaign list in Ascending order, not Descending order. I didn’t hear him at first but ‘EARTH TO CASEY’ during my morning routine of *reading* blogs, shook me awake. I stopped what I was doing and thinking about, walked to his desk, asked him to repeat the question, made ONE CLICK and fixed everything. And then he had another question- can’t I just delete all this extra stuff?
‘Howard you made that a problem. If you had been maintaining your lists like I told you, you wouldn’t have so many extra files.’ In ten minutes he’s going to have forgotten everything I said and probably ask me how to attach a file to an email.

Why did I wake up in such a bad mood? Was it because I wasted another good Sunday daydreaming about stuff that won’t happen? Or just that I wasted time? A clean house always makes me feel better but again again again, my brain stops me.

The rush of talking to some 8 people at the same time last night was fun. My fingers flying across the keyboard as I solve other people’s love issues like a ninja- with swift kicks and deadly poignant accuracy, offering sympathy and support where I could, and harsh censure and time worn knowledge else where.

At the end though I’m still on my own at home wondering what’s so wrong with me that I can’t go through that pile of papers sitting on my desk that desperately need to be filed. Thinking too much, doing too little, feeling alone again.

I wonder if it was best never to have let myself fall for anyone. Ever. And indeed, one of the worn down comrades complains, “I can’t get over her. The agony is too intense, even after all these years.” I’m going to a dating forum tonight and I’m going to take notes for the date blog I’ve still got going on. Let’s hope it’s more educational than a gripe fest (likely, I think.) Oh well. I guess some days are better than others. I may have just woken up on the wrong side of the bed *rubs sleepy eyes*. It’s possible.



…oh and I think I lost my ‘love letters’. Deep Depression begin …. It’s like Inception- depression within depression. How deep can we get? And where is the tilt?! I don’t hear the music!

Tick tick tick tick
That ad was interesting. The new McDonalds radio spot came on as I was getting out of my car to go to work- so I stayed behind to listen.
It’s a tempo rhyme to the sound of a ticking clock- a woman on each beat, recites a kind of poem about what she does with her day.
Naturally she gets up, eat breakfast, take the ‘kids’ to school, goes to work-
…wait. Goes to work? I’m sorry I guess the thing about kids threw me off, please continue. Oh no! She’s at work, but she’s slowing down! I think, ‘wow, this voice actress must have done this a million times. She’s very good so far!’ I even get surprised she can fit some of those phrases in perfect synced time to the slowing tick. But don’t worry- she has a “Mikeedeez real fruit smoothie” and she’s back to ‘rotflol’ at work. (No joke, she really says this.) She goes home, the couch is hers at last so she’s going to bed! Wait… didn’t this ad say you have children? OH MY GOSH did you forget to pick them up from school?! What kind of a mother are you?! This is what you get for dedicating your life to your pathetic job rather than caring for your kids! What if they cooked in the back of your car and you didn’t notice?!
All this races though my mind, but the ad keeps going without addressing my concern. She got a text from her girlfriend.
They are going to meet up at “Mikeedeez” (Seriously? What grown woman says that?) for a, get this, Girl’s Night Out . Now not only am I gravely concerned about the whereabouts of her children, but also worried about how McDonald’s constitutes a veritable Girl’s Night. Truthfully, I’ve met up with friends at McDonalds to hang out when I was 17, but when we’re talking about fast-food advertising, is that the image they are trying to portray?
I know most of you never had to go through the grueling advertising classes I had to in order to obtain my degree (ok, like- none of you), but take my word on this- when building these commercials, purpose is behind everything. Or it should be. I know from my training that someone at the top of McDonalds think it’s about time they positioned themselves in the mind of the consumer as a ‘hip’ place to hang out- and not just anyone. Adult women with children and a job (perhaps single parents?) who have to keep their energy up during their busy metropolitan life, want to live a healthy lifestyle, and still hang out with their friends late at night. I’ll bet you lunch something similar to that is written down on a piece of paper somewhere and was handed or emailed to a boss explaining why this ad came out the way that it did. And they bought it.
In about 30 seconds, my brain went through all of this. I think I got an aneurism. Despite that, it reminded me how much I love advertising. :D

I wrote this today:

If I could be a ninja to your heart, I’d sneak in and fix it. And when I left, you’d never know I had been there at all, but you’d feel better. And I’d be happy for you.

Thinking about Ender’s game today. How Ender, in the fastest surest way to win-eliminates the enemy. But when he went for the enemy’s gate (against 2 armies), he was more accomplishing the goal rather than wiping out his enemy. But I guess the conclusion is the same with buggers. Just because he happened to commit xenocide- it was the goal I guess. Not a side game. Why didn’t the adults come up with the idea that they may well destroy the whole thing? Or was it just the guilt they were trying to avoid? I guess you can’t throw a 12 year old in prison. So, what does ‘the enemy’s gate is down’ really mean? I don’t think it has anything to do with lowering yourself so much as adjusting your perspective of the enemy. Is that understanding them better?

wandering mind is wandering...

I feel good! I don’t know what it is! Ever since I had that chance to direct the animaid commercial I’ve just clicked! I feel better, I do. Oh I do. Rawr.

I still hate my job. But now I feel like there is hope in my marketing career. I’m so excited for the things happening. There is no drama or weight on me (OK, well a little bit here and there- not nearly as much.) I AM running out of time before AX though. Lol. Marketing director of Animaid. You really have no idea what that means to me. Oh purpose.

FINALLY I got some cute shots of me in casual wear and my maid uniform. I’m always so picky and upset because every time I see myself I think, ‘I am not pretty- why am I doing this? I can’t compare to these girls.’ And I don’t want to! But at last (though heavy photoshopping no doubt) I feel satisfied.

In lots of other ways too. I’m getting the hang of being co-chair. Slowly.

*revs* I just need to get on myself to clean. I mean, really. I made a bag of clothes to donate yesterday. Tonight I’ll attempt to complete my laundry and then separate winter from summer clothes. But I do need to shop- I really hate my closet atm.

You know, blogging about this was a bad idea. I’m starting to notice bad stuff again. Lol

Anyway, I had two dates this weekend. The first was horrible. Ok, well I’ve had worse but this was the worst I’ve been on in a long time. Halfway through I felt so bad that this jerk had to spend time with me, I offered to pay for everything. I know- weird sentence but still true. I’ll most likely write about it in my dating blog. It was just too classic. Second date wasn’t really a date. But it kinda was. It felt like just a really GREAT date because there was no pressure. We’re so just friends because I am so plainly not attracted to him…and that feels good. Not that I don’t love a good episode of sexual tension ( <3 ). But it was so relieving just to go out in the sun and enjoy myself.

I love when I love the sun. MAN did I ever need that day off. Oh baby! And it’s a little depressing to be back at work but it’s Tuesday. That means no FHE tonight! I don’t want to stay at work late- I want to go home for dinner and laundry and a movie. And a nice surprise. I like those. Of course, I always like those.

You know. Like that one time?

Anyway, I thought I’d blog while still in this good mood so posterity doesn’t think I was a blond emo.

Must…resist…gah

Blog to distract myself!
Ok. Dr. Laura made me say it yesterday- where my thoughts are, so is my attitude. So I have to think good things. Followed by good action.

Not- “I hate this job and I have no idea how to get out of it.”
But- “I’m living the glorious and romantic part of life where the hero-youth suffers a little before the miraculous success.”

Not- “I’m really lonely.”
But- “Good thing I have time to learn how to cook.”

Not- “There must be something wrong with me.”
But- …

Well I could use some help on that one, but you get the point.

Now the action part. When I was in college I had a wonderful habit of sitting bolt upright as soon as my alarm went off, leaning forward and praying – thanking God I survived the night. Lol. Asking for help for the coming day. At night, I went to bed at the same time, and I’d wear the same PJs and cuddle up to read by my night light.
Admittedly, It helped to have others clock my life. My roommate went to bed at the same time, and woke up a few minutes before me.

I need to start that again.

I switched my lunch- no more cup-o-noodles. I know weird. But now I prep a peanut butter sandwich in a baggie. And that’s good. Not only is it healthier (I hope) but I find standing in my kitchen preparing it a joy in my life. Lol I’m so lame.

AH- there’s that negative thought again! >.< FRIK.

Well here is my request- since it’s not likely I’m going to find the root of my recent emotional downturn/confusion just by thinking about it, I’d like you to make a list of things to be grateful for. I’ll try to make one too. Maybe that will help. And tell someone today that you love them if it’s true. Or pretty if it’s not. XD

PS. Best day ever- Kchan publicly called me her Marketing Director. <3 LOVE AND JOY!!!!

Alright, I'm going to try to write this without griping too much or being emo. Because frankly, I'm pretty good at that. But my older brother just updated his blog and although things in his life are not perfect, he still manages to write an update on his life without inviting in the nargles. And since my older brother is pretty much my idol, I'm going to try too. Hopefully this will also relieve my mind and put life in a better perspective.

My mother is a big believer in the 'Reset' button. If ONLY this would change, then life would finally be good. If ONLY I got a new job, if ONLY I had a boyfriend I could care for with my whole heart, if ONLY I felt more fulfilled in my everyday life- then things would pick up and I could be happy forever. But life just doesn't work that way, does it? No. Instead, we have to move forward and be happy. I have a few goals. It's time to try to be happy again.

Or, you know, get medicated at last.

I'm in the middle of this process with getting my VA demo recorded but I was stupid enough to think doing it inexpensively outside of LA would be a good idea. But I need to travel home (and take at least one day of work off) twice before I'm through. I HATE asking for time off. HATE IT. I don't know how others do it so casually. And I'm violently jealous of those who have nothing to do all day but pursue their dreams. (Worse, when they do nothing with that precious time). So I want to go home this weekend. Wish me luck on asking for it.

So I have this secret goal in my heart. I have 5 days to do it. In 5 days, it couldn't possibly turn out the way I want it to. But I have to try. Because if by divine intervention, it works and I'm swept off to an American-Idol type experience of career fan-gasmic proportions, then the work it takes for the next 5 days will be worth it. 5 days. I need to move it if I intend to go home. I'll have to do it tonight. But I havn't told anyone what it is, because if there is one thing I hate it's failing. Worse, failing publicly. Like all my friends and family will punish me for not being good enough.

I'm beginning to understand a new part of myself. The one that gets so many people in trouble in very serious ways. I never understood it before and now that I'm splashing around in it, I'm starting to get why everyone has to be careful. At the same time, it bewilders me. If this is the wrong way, what’s the right way? And how do you tell the difference? Lol, I guess experiencing it can only take you so far.

I might be retarded.

I really need to do laundry. but I hate laundry. Like food and bathing when you're young- it's hard to start but fun once you're in it. just gotta get the catalyst to jump in a do it.

You know, having a huge roadblock like going home for the weekend has certainly opened up my eyes to what I could be doing instead. Hopefully, this is not because I'm deathly afraid of the Demo. Lol. this may have been a bad idea.

SO I’m having an on-going debate with my boss Howard.
We have recently had a massive business structure change in the form of a software update. GRN is based (and was founded on the use of) an outdated program called CAPS. It organizes are contacts, companies, assignments, interviews, and daily planner. It’s pretty powerful connecting names to numbers, companies to search codes. Dropping in new information and documents as well as conducting in-depth search was a little click heavy but it made sense in a Word 2003 PC kinda way. File Edit Whatever.

New CAPS- it’s like the new version of Vista. It uses that freaking tab system. Now, one on my unwritten jobs here (other than being a wall for his ideas and rants) is to teach the software to others. This basically means, Helping Howard use it effectively. Howard does NOT like new CAPS. I guess another job I have is to keep Howard from getting upset. He is NOT a tech guy and he hates that he has to use the computer to get his work done- especially if he doesn’t understand it.
“Now now, Howard. Don’t be upset like that. I’m sure we can figure that out. You go to lunch and I will work it out on your computer.” This is why he sometimes brings me cookies from after lunch.
Now, with this new program we have to completely retrain Howard’s brain and change his system of working. He calls this his ‘busy season’ and I’ll admit, we’ve been doing much better this last month or so (not that I’ve seen any of the proceeds yet.) But Now, the phone doesn’t ring as much, Howard isn’t talking all day, and things just *feel* stagnant. Which makes him mad. Of course, he takes it out on me. Here is the conversation we just had (minus the time it took to type out this explanation):

Howard: “I hate this program! I want to quit and go back.”
Me: “It will be fine as soon as you get used to it. Is there specific problem you have I can help you with?”
“It’s too cumbersome! This isn’t any better than the old version.”
“Yes, it *is*. Howard You just don’t understand it right now. Technically, it’s much cleaner and easier to use. (This is me trying to be optimistic.) You can’t critique this program. Just because you work a different way, this is the way you should have always been doing it. The GRN method.”
“Here’s a new flash- I DON’T CARE what other offices do or how great this program works. It’s eating up MY time and the means here is stopping my productivity.”
“I just don’t think it’s anything to get upset about.”
“You just don’t get it. Hey, GRN is not paying my bills. They talked me INTO this franchise because I didn’t know any better. I’m the one who has to suffer. It’s nice you have respect for technology, but as of this moment, they are wasting my time and money.”

Eh, we already yell so his shouting at me didn’t seem to bug me as much as what I started to gather. Look, to be honest, I’ve always been wary about the success rate here. If Howard wasn’t already independently wealthy, I’m sure we would have gone under long ago. I want a job that helps me lead a life. So far, I’m surviving just fine. But with taxes on the rise and the impending requirement of healthcare, and the rent hike coming this summer, surviving is pretty much all I’m doing. I can do that. In fact, I have been doing that for most of my adult life. Ever since I moved out at 17. Living on every little bit offered to me.


End point- If I find new work (and my confidence in this happening is almost nil) and I leave GRN, will they fold?
My sister Heather said something poignant: It would be impossible to replace me because anyone who is skilled and talented like me is ALSO smart enough to have better work. They wouldn’t fall for this job. But I’m not smart. I’m scared. Terrified.
But I don’t want to live like this anymore.
Hey, I know I’ve complained A LOT about this subject for a very long time. This issue is not news. I’m keenly aware of other’s waning interest in my concern considering I’m doing nothing to alleviate myself. So I’ll shut up now.

If you’re look for a story here, it’s the effect new technology has on the older paper-oriented generation.

Anyway. Long pointless entry. XD

Next time on this blog: “How everything is my fault: Part 2. I’m not stupid.” lol

I’m having the worst time focusing this morning.

Geez. I’ve fasted before but yesterday really knocked the wind out of me. I came home, dropped my things on the floor and literally fell right asleep and didn’t wake up until 4 am after a bad dream. I had 4 dreams last night and even the one that was probably not a nightmare was still pretty scary.

I can’t focus.

Have you ever wanted to tell someone you love, “I hate you”? Not because you actually hate them, it just seems more fitting to how you feel. That frustration. Gah. I hate you.

A note on first kisses, they should be unplanned. I have a girlfriend who is 26 and she just got her first kiss. But it was from a jerk who asked her if he could do it. He’s cute, she said OK. He pecked her. Then never called the next day. I’m the kind of crazy brainy romantic so my life is in constant turmoil. I know what I WANT but I also know what is good for me. My dad says, sometimes we like to say, “God, I’m tired of driving- you take the wheel”. As much as I’d like to have that much faith, and as tired as I am of cheating myself out of good experiences- I seem to constantly have a good head on my shoulders keeping me out of trouble. Great. I guess I should be proud. And I am, but I wouldn’t call it ‘proud’. What am I saying? O.o I’m insane for sure. Why does it seem everyone else is in control of themselves and I’m the only one who doesn’t seem to have a great hold on life? Haha, I guess I was disappointed with that forehead kiss. Blah. Movies.

In other news. Heather is coming into town on Friday and I have to act like a grownup. Picking her up from her hotel, checking into a new hotel, hoping with all my heart that because I didn’t do my oil check (I think I’m a few months overdue) and I STILL haven’t received my reg. sticker, that we won’t get stuck somewhere random with me not knowing what to do. Then D*land is fun, but I have no idea what I’m doing there. And I haven’t packed clothes or food. Bad Girl. I was supposed to do that last night. The last time I drove home from D*land with my brother, I almost fell asleep at the wheel. Well, Let’s face it, I DID fall asleep. Luckily, I was far enough behind the person in front of me, it didn’t make a difference. This time though, I can’t expect a 15 year old to stay up with me. I’m happy to see her, but being all responsible for someone else’s life makes me squeamish.

Sunday, after I drop off Heather (9:30), I’ve been asked to sing in a special number for choir (12-2:00). Great. We perform it THAT DAY. Stephen’s stuff is always epic so it should be fine but I’ll be sleepy for sure. I’ll leave church early (2-4:30) so I can make it to the Lolita tryout and dance rehearsal (5-on). Hopefully. While that mania is going on, I’ll have time to practice with Moe Stereo to get completely shown up by the new girl Luna. I get the suspicion she is much better than me. I’m not jealous, just nervous to be compared. I don’t like to fail. At which point (assuming they don’t all beg me to go to dinner with them) I get to crawl home to prepare for another Monday of work.

Something makes me think something horrible will happen this weekend to make none of this happen and I will be regretting worrying now. I’ll beg for the complications of having my loved ones near by.

In the mean time, even though I was starving yesterday, I have no interest in food again. I got through ¾ of my bagel before getting bored. And I’m still woozy. It was a bad idea to try and help.

Now if only I could do a good job at work and keep my house clean…

Keep putting my hands to my face like I’m tired or have a headache. I want to get out of this chair. But everything around me feels cold. I feel so uncomfortable in my skin today. Something isn’t right with the world. It’s the kind of mood you would think could be solved with a little food but the frustration behind it makes me feel as though nothing is worth eating. Even a burger sounds gross. I need something.

Ug I feel everyday like I’m spending more and more. Just a little over there. More over there. Just a bit bit bit every time and It’s driving me insane. Now, look- I happen to be incredibly frugal (except when it comes to spending on my friends- in that case there is no limit because I want them to be worry free and happy.). I feel so out of control.

And my daydreams are not helping too. My roommate (Brittney) says I spoke in my sleep for 6 minutes last night. Just on and on talking. It’s a sign that I am intensely stressed out. Oh why does nothing work out the way that it should? Why must I be so romantic.

Biggest regret for the week (or the last 48 hours)- I should not have cried over the phone. It only makes it worse on him. I’m just such an idiot sometimes.


I think I want a surprise and a little (no strings attached) romance for Christmas this year… yeah. ^^

[EDIT] Oh DUH! Doi. I'm such an idiot! I know why I'm insane. LOL. This just goes to prove my selective memory can still be in full bloom sometimes. My step-father called this morning. Damn Dragons never die, do they?

UG! I am so frikin’ ANTSY today! I can’t stand myself!
Someone save me.
And also please be more responsible than me.